It’s surprisingly common to find yourself constantly thinking about someone, especially after a breakup or when you’re dealing with unrequited love. These intrusive thoughts about a specific person can be incredibly distressing and disruptive to your daily life.
When you can’t stop thinking about someone, it can affect your ability to concentrate, lower your productivity, and generally make you feel worse. It can be hard to focus on other things and move forward.
This article explores the psychology behind these persistent thoughts, including why they happen and what you can do about them. We’ll look at things like attachment styles and rumination, and we’ll provide practical strategies to help you manage your thoughts and regain control.
The Psychology Behind Constantly Thinking About Someone
Why is it that some people just get stuck in your head? There are a few psychological explanations for why you might be constantly thinking about someone.
Misinterpreting Strong Feelings as Signs
Intense emotions, especially at the start of a new relationship, can feel like a sign of deep connection or even destiny. It’s easy to mistake these strong feelings for something more meaningful than they actually are. When this happens, your brain can fixate on the potential of the relationship instead of what’s really happening.
This misinterpretation can lead to persistent thoughts and a tendency to idealize the other person.
Why Your Brain Goes Into “Fix-It” Mode
Your brain is wired to solve problems. When you’re dealing with unresolved issues or uncertainty, your brain perceives the lack of closure as a problem that needs fixing. This “fix-it” mode can lead to repetitive thoughts and rumination about the person and the situation.
You might find yourself constantly replaying conversations or scenarios in your head, trying to find a solution or understand what went wrong.
The Allure of the Fantasy
Fantasizing about someone can create an idealized image that’s hard to shake. Imagination can paint a picture of a “perfect partner” who doesn’t actually exist in reality.
This fantasy can become more appealing than reality, leading to persistent thoughts and longing. It’s important to remember that while your imagination may have created an idealized image of this person as your perfect partner, this is not reality.
Attachment styles and why they matter
Understanding attachment styles
Attachment styles are how we relate to other people. These patterns show up early in childhood, and they stick with us as adults. Experts often talk about three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
- Secure attachment leads to healthy, balanced relationships.
- Anxious attachment can lead to clinginess and worry.
- Avoidant attachment shows up as emotional distance.
Anxious attachment and rumination
If you’re constantly thinking about someone, your attachment style could be why. People with an anxious attachment style are more likely to ruminate on their relationships.
A 2014 study looked at the links between attachment style and rumination in intimate relationships. Researchers found that people with an anxious attachment style were more likely to ruminate than people with a secure attachment style.
People with anxious attachment tend to overthink and obsess about their relationships. They might be constantly thinking about their partner or someone they want to be their partner. They’re often looking for reassurance and validation, and that can feed into obsessive thinking.
Types of People We Get “Stuck” On
Sometimes, the reasons we can’t stop thinking about someone are pretty clear. Other times, it takes a bit more digging to understand why a particular person has taken up residence in our brain.
Scarcity Attraction
Scarcity attraction is when you’re drawn to someone who is unavailable or seems hard to get. This could be someone who’s already in a relationship, someone who’s emotionally unavailable, or even someone who gives you inconsistent attention. (Think of “breadcrumbing,” when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hoping for more.)
The challenge of getting their attention can make you want them even more, fueling persistent thoughts and even obsession.
Unrequited Attachment
This is when you’re fixated on someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. It could be a former partner, a family member you’re estranged from, or even a friend you feel distant from.
The hope that they’ll eventually return your feelings can keep the attachment alive, making it hard to stop thinking about them.
Forbidden or Obstacle-Driven Idealization
This happens when you’re drawn to someone who’s inaccessible because of circumstances or barriers. Maybe they’re incarcerated, or maybe there are other significant obstacles to a relationship. Sometimes, these obstacles can intensify your feelings and lead to obsessive thoughts.
The impossibility of the relationship can make it seem more appealing, creating a sense of longing and desire.
Symbolic Idealization
Sometimes, we get fixated on someone because they represent something significant from our past or a quality we desire. This could be someone who reminds you of a past love, or someone who you see as powerful or successful.
In these cases, the person becomes a symbol of something else, rather than being seen as an individual. This can lead to unrealistic expectations and persistent thoughts, as you’re not really thinking about them, but about the idea they represent.
Recognizing Unhealthy Obsession
It’s one thing to daydream about someone, but it’s another thing entirely when those thoughts become obsessive and start to negatively impact your life. How do you know when it’s crossed the line?
Ignoring the Reality of the Relationship
Obsessive thoughts can blind you to red flags or inconsistencies in the other person’s behavior. Maybe you’re struggling with trust issues because you’ve been cheated on in the past, or you’re holding onto old traumas that are keeping you from truly connecting with someone who is available and interested. In these cases, you might be projecting your past experiences onto this new person.
It’s essential to take a step back and assess the relationship objectively, looking at the person’s true character and actions. Remember, your imagination might have created an idealized image of them as your “perfect partner,” but that’s not reality.
Putting Your Life on Hold
Constantly thinking about someone can lead you to neglect other important aspects of your life, like work, hobbies, and relationships with friends and family. You might find it hard to focus on anything else, preventing you from fully engaging in other activities.
It’s vital to maintain a balanced and fulfilling life outside of this obsession. Whether it’s returning to a previous hobby or picking up a new one, showing yourself that there are other things besides this person that bring you happiness will help you feel less reliant on them.
Unequal Effort and Rationalizations
Unequal effort in the relationship can be a sign of unhealthy obsession. If you’re constantly reaching out and the other person isn’t reciprocating, that’s a red flag. Are you always the one initiating contact? Are your texts and calls going unanswered?
People experiencing obsessive thoughts often make excuses for the other person’s behavior to justify their persistent thoughts and feelings. Living in a world of excuses and rationalizations is a telltale sign of unhealthy obsession.
Strategies to stop obsessing: Taking action
It’s one thing to know you should stop thinking about someone. It’s another thing to do it. Here are some strategies to help you take action.
Breaking the fantasy spell
When you’re obsessing over someone, you’re probably not seeing them clearly. You’ve built up this idealized image in your head that’s not necessarily based on reality. To break this spell, you have to challenge that image. Ask yourself: What does this person actually bring to my life right now? How does that compare to the fantasy I’ve created?
Focus on their flaws and inconsistencies. How could they be your perfect partner when one of the most important qualities of your perfect partner should be that they are available and interested in being a partner to you?
Releasing relics of the past
It’s hard to move on when you’re surrounded by reminders of the person. You have to actively remove those reminders from your environment. That means getting rid of sentimental items and memories associated with them. Here are some practical tips:
- Delete photos.
- Unfollow them on social media (or mute or block them).
- Hide or remove chat history.
- Put things that remind you of them in a box.
- Give away or donate gifts from them.
Detaching from intrusive thoughts
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a concept called “defusion,” which means creating distance between yourself and your thoughts. You can also try alternate nostril breathing to calm your nerves. You can detach from intrusive thoughts by labeling them as “just thoughts” and observing them without judgment. Acknowledge the thought without engaging with it. Let it pass like a cloud in the sky.
Rebuilding your life with intention
Obsessing over someone can take up a lot of time and energy. You need to redirect that energy into self-care, personal growth, and building a fulfilling life outside of the obsession. Consider incorporating simple mindfulness exercises to help. Take ownership of your healing. Engage in activities that bring you joy and excitement. Invest in hobbies, relationships, and goals that bring you joy and purpose.
Here are some ideas:
- Focus on school or your career.
- Volunteer your time to a cause you care about.
- Invest in other relationships.
When to seek professional help
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is talk to a professional. If you’re having a hard time managing obsessive thoughts and feelings on your own, it may be time to seek therapy or explore distress tolerance skills and techniques.
Therapy can help you understand why you’re constantly thinking about someone. Perhaps you have unresolved attachment issues or past trauma that’s contributing to these thoughts. Therapy can also help you explore your feelings for this person in a healthy way.
Here are some red flags that you may need some extra support: making unwanted attempts to contact the person, constantly finding ways to bring them up in unrelated conversations, or excessively looking at old photos and social media. If these thoughts are causing you persistent distress, interfering with your daily life, or, worst of all, leading to thoughts of harming yourself or others, please seek professional help right away.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it true that the person you think about is thinking of you?
While it’s a romantic notion, there’s no scientific evidence to support the idea that if you’re constantly thinking about someone, they’re thinking about you too. This belief often stems from wishful thinking or confirmation bias – we tend to notice and remember instances where it seems to be true, while overlooking the countless times it isn’t. It’s more likely that your thoughts are driven by your own feelings, desires, or unresolved issues related to that person.
How do I stop fantasizing about someone?
Stopping obsessive fantasizing requires a multi-pronged approach. First, acknowledge and validate your feelings, but gently redirect your thoughts when they become excessive. Engage in activities you enjoy and that keep you present in the moment. Limit exposure to reminders of the person, such as social media or mutual friends. Challenge the unrealistic or idealized aspects of your fantasies, and focus on the potential downsides of pursuing a relationship with this person. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor, who can help you explore the underlying reasons for your fantasizing and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Wrapping up
It’s common to get stuck thinking about someone, even when you don’t want to. It’s important to take steps to manage these thoughts and feelings. Remember, it’s normal to feel this way, and moving on is possible.
We’ve talked about strategies like:
- Breaking the fantasy
- Releasing relics of the past
- Rebuilding your life with intention
Healing takes time and effort, but it is achievable with the right support and strategies. Be patient with yourself. If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.